"I'm sorry I can't be there for you."

I hung up the phone. At least she did finally call me back. The only one who did. Though, I only called one other person. Everyone else I might call is enjoying themselves on holiday. What a frail and fragile web I live in.

It's been a long time since I felt completely alone, without a place to turn to. Marriage generally provides a haven against such feelings. I am not married anymore. This is the price I must pay. Right now, it feels pretty steep.

I try to reconnect to the joy of a just a few days earlier, but I can't feel it. Money will do that to you. "It's only money, I can make more," I tell myself. I am healthy, I have work, I know what I want, I know who I am, I know where I want to go. These are all valuable things. But, right now they are little comfort. Right now I feel like an idiot.

My head aches from the booze I used to self-medicate and a night of little sleep. I wake up and my eyes feel pasty and burnt from tears that would not stop from when I hung up the phone.

I try to step away from myself, and get some perspective. These highs and lows are good, right? I'm really alive now, and this is what happens. It's all in the name of growth, isn't it?

It is amazing how cheaply I would sell those ideals in this moment. To trade them all for a moment to lie next to someone in a quiet, dim bedroom, under a warm blanket, and to be held while hearing the words "It's going to be alright..."




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