So why update your online journal the same day you remove the link to it from your index page? How will people know where it is? How will they know what's going on? Perhaps kindly strangers will guide the way. Glad I made a bookmark.

Perhaps modesty or a desire to fume more privately caused my candid brother in blogging to seek shelter. I can understand the sudden reluctance, as I head off in the opposite direction and begin to drag more and more out into the open. Ironically, after my last post, the same person who "ran interference" at my office asked about my domain. I had given him my email address before, and he wasn't quite sure if he remembered it. So, being the clever wired lad he is, he pointed his browser there the night before.

At first, he apologized for visiting the site, as if he had violated my privacy. "Well, clearly it's just for your friends," he said. Not at all, I corrected. If it's on the web, it's on the web. It was fine that he went. I did add that I don't exactly promote the site at my job, and requested a bit of discretion. Of course, I knew that this could happen. I even knew it was matter of time. I just didn't think it would happen quite as fast as it did. The world suddenly gets a bit smaller.

This devil-may-care attitude may seem contradictory to my actions with my purchase the other day. Why write about it openly, but not answer a direct question? Isn't that hypocritical? I don't think so. In my mind, what I choose to discuss in the workplace is one thing. What I choose to discuss with people in general is another thing. But I can write whatever I want, and if a person makes the choice to come here, so be it. And certainly, I am keenly aware of the potential consequences of my words here seeping into my day to day life. I'd be naive not to think about that. But as a person who has defined himself by secrets and an intensely private life, I'm drawing great power in owning my shadow.

Writing these words keeps me focused on integrating who I am and being honest with myself and others. It's not easy for me and there is a price for it. But I'd rather pay that price and gain a freedom to fully be who I am than to keep paying the greater price I have been paying by hiding myself away.
posted 9:10 AM | link |