The Memory of Persistence

Conny and I ended up at Paddles, an SM playspace/club on Saturday night. We had come with a few friends, to show them what it was all about, but our friends had to leave at a certain time to catch a train out of the city, so Conny and I lingered on for a bit. Because of St. Patricks day and a T.E.S. party being held the same night elsewhere, it was pretty quiet. Not a lot of playing was going on.

We were sitting down in a quiet part of the the club, talking, when a gentleman approached us. He was dressed in casual but decent street clothing, but apparently he had rigged himself with a self-bondage harness which he needed a bit of assistance with to secure. Could we, or more precisely, could Conny help him with the last step? All she'd have to do is pull it tight after he secured his own collar to an attachment point on the wall, and he'd be happy. Or so he said...

My first gut instinct was "Why not?" and I looked encouragingly at Conny. She figured it was harmless enough, so we got up to help the guy. He led us to a part of the club, and collared himself, securing it. He put his arms behind his back, and through some loops of his ingenious harness. He told Conny how to tighten it, and she obliged him. Now he was not going anywhere.

"So how long can you take this?" I asked him.
"It's better if I don't know how long I'll be kept like this," he said.
No kidding, I thought, but give us a guideline. There's a big difference between 10 minutes and an hour. That was the first warning sign. I rolled with it, though.
"Oh really? Well, if you are putting it in her hands, you'd better be careful. She can be quite cruel."
Our roped friend perked up even more at this suggestion. "Oh? What would you do to me?"
Ooops. I meant she could leave you hanging here for awhile, buddy. I wasn't volunteering her for anything else.
"You could whip me. I'm sure we could get a whip," he said. "Or you could use me as a footstool."
Never a good idea to tell someone who is topping you what he or she can do.
"No," Conny said, trying to take it down a bit, "I think we'll just leave you like this for a bit."
"You could do anything you want to me. Anything."
Another warning sign. That's the big SM lie. People who say this don't understand play.
"I think we'll just let you stay tied up for a bit." she said.
"Alright," he said. "Can I ask for one more thing?"
Conny was getting a bit wary now. "What?"
"Would you be comfortable spitting on me face?"
Conny shook her head. "No, I wouldn't be comfortable doing that." She was trying to be gentle.
"Please? Just think about it running down my face..."
Whoa there big boy. When someone tells you they are not comfortable with something, describing it for them is exactly the wrong thing to do. Jeez.
"No. I am not comfortable with that. I don't do that. I'm sorry." She was more firm now, since this guy didn't get what "No." means.
We told him we'd check on him in a bit, and left him there. We went back to where we were before, and sat down. Conny was annoyed and rightfully so.
The basic maxim of SM play is "Safe, sane and consensual." Our friend hanging on the wall certainly didn't understand the consensual part, since you never push someone into doing something they don't want to do. He also was pushing the safe part as well, at least in his own case, since anything involving body fluids carries risk. It wasn't any risk to Conny, but he was taking an fairly large risk asking a stranger to spit on him.
We talked for a bit, both a little irritated about what had transpired. We felt like we had both been tricked a little bit by a pushy bottom. We also couldn't enjoy ourselves knowing we had a responsibility to the same pushy bottom to free him at some point.
We got up and checked on him at a distance, just so he'd know we'd be back and so he'd at least feel safe. We left him for a few minutes more and discussed what transpired. We decided to go let him go, and to educate him a little bit about respecting the wishes of others, so maybe he could be a better sub in the future.
We approached him again.
"We don't play with people who don't understand what no means." she explained to him. "If you ask for something, and someone says 'No' that's it. You don't push. That's not your place, is it?"
"No. I'm sorry."
"Now I'm going to let you go, and that's it. You can think about things." she said, releasing the harness.
"Thank you." he said, and we turned and went back to our spot.
We sat back down, and started to analyze our own mistakes in the transaction. We were interupted when our friend approached us yet again.
"Thank you," he said. "Can I just kiss your shoes?"
Conny shot him a stern look. "No. You can't."
"I'm sorry. I won't bother you again," he said, finally realizing he was out of line.
"You have to earn that right," I said. "And you haven't been listening to her. When she says 'No', you have to obey. If you don't, then that's it." I said, kindly, but firmly.
"Thank you. I won't bother you again." and he hurried off.
We both looked at each other and shook our heads.

A scene, even a minor one, is only going to be fun if both people are really participating. As soon as you have a submissive who is providing a laundry list of demands is going to remove any fun for the top. Obviously, a top acts within the parameters of the tastes and needs of the bottom, but the top still needs some degree of freedom and control within that range of options. A pushy bottom makes the top feel used and objectified: insert woman with whip here, any woman will do. That has little appeal. Basically the bottom is telling the top he doesn't care what the top wants to do, just that he wants the top to do stuff to him. There's no flow in that type of session, no spark.

I remember from the T.E.S. meeting on scene etiquette run by a number of female dominants, and it was clear from them there are a lot of male submissives that don't have a clue on how to deal with a woman, especially a woman being dominant. Now I have seen it first hand. We learned from this little mistake, though. We agreed our rule of thumb would be to respond to requests to play with either a "No thank you" if we have no desire at all, or a "Thank you, we will consider it, and let you know" if we think we might. This puts the control in our hands, and lets us make the decision.

Sure enough, shortly after this, another gentleman approached Conny.

"Would you like a foot massage?" he asked. Conny didn't realize it, but it was the same guy who approached her the very first time she came to Paddles.

She smiled. "Thank you. I'll let you know."

He accepted this, and moved on. We smiled at each other. Much better. The important thing in these situations is to make sure your boundries are respected. From now on we'd be sure not to let someone sneak in the back way with a seemingly innocent "Can you just..." type of request.

We roamed about the club a bit, looking to see what was going on. Perhaps five minutes passed when we came across our foot masseur. He saw Conny and came over.

"Do you want that massage now?"

Bad move. What part of "I'll let you know" wasn't clear? Any chance this guy had of doing it evaporated when he opened his mouth.

"No thank you." Conny told him. We walked by and Conny looked at me and rolled her eyes.

We left the club a few minutes later, having learned quite a bit about how to manage ourselves so that we don't get manipulated or pressured. What's really needed is some place for male subs to learn how to conduct themselves. We joked about doing a T.E.S. presentation ourselves "How to find and get a dominant woman." The idea appeals to me on a few levels. One is that it seems like it's really needed. Another is that I love to teach. And, I think it's a topic I have some understanding of. So for the next few days I'm going to explore that idea a bit here on these pages. Maybe it'll eventually become the outline to a class, who knows.
posted 10:06 AM | link |