Snow sucks

Actually, winter sucks. The novelty has worn off, I'm tired of it, ready to move on, etc., etc. Winter hits me extra hard for a number of peculiar biological reasons that I won't go into. Believe it or not, there are some things I don't write about here. Being trapped inside because of cold and grey is much more bearable when you've got a good roommate, even if she is sick.


Keeps the bubbles in

The mind works in mysterious ways. The week that Nori was here she really worked me quite hard. Being a "service sub" involves, well, service. And service isn't a euphemism for sex, it means really serving another person. Think of a cross between a personal assistant and a butler. I did things like running errands, making phone calls and generally trying to be discreetly useful without being intrusive. Sometimes it involves escorting Nori somewhere, and then leaving. Mostly, it involves trying to let go of my ego.

One challenge was when we arrived at a lecture she was doing for T.E.S., the local SM society. I am somewhat active in T.E.S., and Nori is pretty well known in the scene, so it's with some degree of pride that I serve her. As we entered, I found out that another boy was on loan to her for the evening to try out from a domme friend of hers. Now, you'd think the idea of getting an hour or two off would be welcomed. Actually, I was hugely disappointed, almost a bit hurt. But, I had to keep my focus. Nori is good at doing very subtle tests, and pushing in clever psychological ways. If Nori wants someone else to serve her, that's what's going to happen. Her needs have to come first. Any other behavior would be inappropriate. So, I got over it pretty quickly, but it was hard.

After a week of pushing myself to be as selfless as possible to her, I had learned quite a bit about myself. But, the biggest lesson wouldn't come until after Nori left, and Conny showed up. The first night Conny and I were together, the moment we started getting intimate physically, I just became awash in feelings. There was no resistance in me. I felt myself totally surrendering to her. We weren't doing anything involving SM, it was totally vanilla. But, in my heart a remarkable power exchange was going on. It was like a cork was removed from a bottle under pressure. It was pure magic.

Tears of joy came to my eyes that night, and I am lucky enough to say such an occurance isn't unusual. Some people might do SM for the sheer sensuality or fun of it, but the thing that draws me in deeper to it is how well it allows my soul to be revealed to another. All these extremes, the restraint, the pain, the submission, all of them tear down all my complicated defenses and neurotic obstructions and exposes the raw kernel of who I am, in spite of myself.

I am sure in a healthier person than I, straight vanilla sex can offer the same profound experience. I'm not so lucky. But, I am glad I have found a way to cope. I'm also glad I've found someone just as odd as me. Well, ok, not just as odd, but odd enough.
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