Ouch

A reader emailed me with a question:

I've always wondered... is there any pain involved in what you guys do? I'd be really interested to know. It would certainly clear up some misconceptions. I'd also like to know if pain isn't involved, where that misconception come from...

I think it's safe to assume "what you guys do" has to do with SM, and not Clan Lord.

The short answer is "There can be pain, but it doesn't really hurt. Sort of."

Now for the long answer.

"SM", and I'll define that shortly, isn't specifically about pain. There are many people who are into SM and don't like a whit of pain. Others are total extreme sensation junkies and like lots of intense stimulation, like a good, hard flogging. SM with pain isn't "more real" or "better SM" than SM without pain. Pain is just one color on the palette of SM experience, along with pleasure, restraint, dominance, submission, and mental stimulation.

When I came to SM, I wasn't interested in the pain aspect at all. I didn't find pain erotic. I was more interested in domination and submission. As I explored submission, I experienced many different types of physical stimulation that were not sexual. Some were sensual, some were uncomfortable. But in the context of submission, they were all powerful. The idea of having to endure something to prove my submission is erotic to me.

The more I experienced, the more I learned ways to enjoy, well, pain. But pain in this context doesn't really hurt. It just feels strong. Sometimes it's erotic, other times it's just powerful. It depends on how it's done. Of course, there's the occasional "punishment," and that does hurt, but I need that in order to define my role as a submissive. If I really enjoyed it, it wouldn't be a punishment. It's meant to be physically challenging. What makes it all work is a good top who knows me and my body well enough to push me to that edge of experience which is just a bit too much, but never so much that I have to stop. Conny is much the same way.

"SM" can be short for sadomasochism, which is the deriving of pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from either inflicting pain or suffering pain, or both. It's an even shorter version of "S&M" which is an abbreviation of "sadism and masochism." I use SM as a short hand for the longer "BDSM", which is a three-way overlapping umbrella: "BD" is bondage and discipline, "DS" is domination and submission, and we covered SM before. I just find it easier to evoke idea Pat Califia's "Sensual Magic" and use SM as a short hand for all these things.

What is one person's brand of "SM" may not be another. One person may love bondage, another discipline and pain, another gentle submission. SM is each and all of these things.
posted 5:58 PM | link |