With this collar

You can have your SM in a variety of ways.

There is bedroom, or romantic SM. These are the bondage or spanking games lovers play in the privacy of their own home. This is SM used to spice up vanilla sex. Bedroom SM is a secret, hidden world. At most, you might bump into a bedroom SM couple at an SM class, or in a fetish boutique, but generally these people don't want or need anyone to know what they do. SM is just a component of their sex lives.

There is scene SM. This is a more public world. Play is the thing, and sex takes a backseat to the SM. Scene SM is a community. It's the people in the fetish clubs and at the SM play parties. Because sex isn't part of play, people tend to play with more partners, even if they have a romantic partner of whom they are "body fluid monogamous". Scene SM is the most visible aspect of SM to the world at large, simply by it's public nature.

There is also lifestyle SM. When a relationship is solely bound on the principles of domination and submission, and all (or almost all) interactions are framed by this, it's lifestyle SM. There may be no sex at all, or romance. It is a matter of owner and owned. The situations can be long-term, 24/7 arrangements, or episodic. In lifestyle SM, each person is always in their role, be it dominant, or submissive. The surrender and power flow beyond traditional SM play. People who are into lifestyle SM can go unnoticed, unless you know what to look for.

There is no "right" variety of SM. A relationship may touch upon only one of these, or all of them. None of them are "more SM" than any other. Nor is progression from one to the next required or expected. It all depends on the people involved. My relationship with Conny contains components of all these varieties. She's my lover. We also play, mostly privately, but not exclusively so. And we allow our current roles to extend beyond a play session and into our lives. My relationship with Nori, on the other hand, is strictly lifestyle. There is no romance and no sex, but there is intimacy and we are good friends. But when I wear her collar, there is no doubt about our roles with each other.

At T.E.S. last Wednesday I saw a presentation from a gentleman who is quite experienced at lifestyle SM. Flagg's topic was "Establishing Protocol and Structure". He discussed the difference between ritual, a series of explicit behaviors, and protocol, which is more a set of priorities and guidelines. He made an excellent point about choosing rules for his submissives. Make rules that personally matter to you. Don't just have a long list of things the sub must do, unless each one of those things on that list mean something. Otherwise, you'll start to slip on enforcement and discipline, and then the whole thing starts to fall apart. Pick a few things that you really care about, and stick to them. He makes his slave kiss any glass she hands him, no matter what, no matter where.

He also talked about varying degrees of protocol. There's day to day baseline protocol, which isn't very formal. Then there's a moderate level for play and private time, which demands a bit more of the submissive. And the most stern protocol is only used during punishments, and basically dictate the submissive isn't to do anything without being told.

He made it clear that a choice has to be made. Either romance comes first, or the lifestyle SM. He advocated keeping them seperate. He has his lovers, and he has his slaves. Once romantic feelings start creeping in, the discipline and formality begin to suffer. If you want intense, complete, lifestyle SM, you need the roles clearly defined.

I could understand his principles, but how to put them into practice in my situation wasn't obvious.

"Any suggestions on how to scale down these techniques for use within the context of a romantic relationship?" I asked.

"You'll have to experiment and see what works," he said. Not hugely helpful, but true.

"I have a real curveball for you. How could these methods fit between two people who switch?"

"I have absolutely no idea," he said, making a sweeping gesture. "You people are entirely on your own. I have no idea how you do it."

That got a big laugh from the crowd. I understand what he means, too. Being a switch, it can be a challenge to maintain the balance, but the effort is so delicious.
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