The check is in the mail

When my ex-wife and I started living apart, almost a year ago now, her family loaned us money to help get her set up.Finally, I'm in a position to pay them back.

I write out a check, and address the envelope. I think about my in-law parents, who I haven't seen in a long time. I don't even remember the exact occasion, shamefully enough.

Things would be easier if I hated them, or found them at least annoying. No such luck there, because they are wonderful people. I spent a lot of holidays with them, stayed at their house, they even came to Bermuda to visit us when we first got there. There are a lot of memories there.

I remember asking my ex-wife, after we were seperated for a few months, if her Dad, in particular, was angry at me.

She told me he was just sad. He said to her "Looks like I lose another one." His other daughter had gotten divorced many years ago. From what I was told, her Dad liked him too. Damn, did that choke me up. Still does.

So how can I just slide a check in an envelope to the family that warmly adopted me for so many years? I can't.

I start to type a letter, but opt for a handwritten one instead. I don't want to think about it too much. I want to write it as I feel it, and get it out. Just addressing the letter and the pain starts.

Stupid to do this at work. Stupid stupid stupid. Luckily I keep wads of napkins around, a reserve from my frequenty trips to the cafeteria. Now I just want to get this done. If I put it off, a day or two will go by, and it won't be easier.

I can get a sentence or two on paper before I have to put it aside. The guilt and the loss surge quickly as I try to express both my deep regret and warm fondness to these two people who were in my life for almost 10 years.

I make a weak showing; the letter is too brief. It's just too hard to do. I finish it, and put it in the envelope before I make a total scene of myself. I hope they understand how difficult it is. I think they will.

Almost a year now, and still discovering ghosts with the power to seize my heart.
posted 3:58 PM | link |