Styles of Submission

Once again, we did our Wednesday night ritual. In the name of equal time for equal suffering, we attended the "twat torture" session of T.E.S. It complimented the cock and ball torture (CBT) presentation that Conny and I went to some weeks back that had every man in the audience crossing his legs. In comparison to the CBT presentation, the pussy torture presentation was mild. There were no piercings, which was fine by me. The panel with their words and demonstrations definitely gave me an idea or two.

We went home after the session to eat and dress for our night at Gomorrah. Unlike last week, Conny was adorned with a collar. This night would be her second time being out in service to me. The first time we had done it was an interesting experiment, but somehow had left us both unsatisfied. I was ready to try again.

But something happens to her when we go out to a scene place and she's collared. We realized it at the end of the night. She just can't get into the right headspace to submit when we are out. Somehow things don't click. When we play on our own, in private, she can submit freely and deeply, and loves it. But when we are out, she just doesn't enjoy it. Maybe it's something she'll come into in time, or maybe not.

I think it has to do with our individual styles of submission. For her, the feelings come on suddenly and strong, and are usually very sexual. It's more of an on/off switch. When she's collared it still takes a bit of effort on my part to evoke submissive feelings in her. Even then, her submission is usually in the context of a scene, and it's very sexual. Since we don't get sexual when we play publicly, the spark is missing for her. Also, when we are out playing publicly, the top in her just can't be contained. All these things make it hard for her to enjoy submission outside of our private play.

Which, really, is fine. It's simply a difference between her and I. Public play is just a tiny subset of our activities, and since it's all new for both of us, this is part of our learning process.

For me, submission is a way to be. When I'm collared by her, I can experience similar feelings to hers, but in the absence of that, there is something else. There is a feeling I have that isn't sexual. It's a focus on her that gives me great pleasure to attend to her needs and whims. It's an overwhelming desire to lose myself and think of nothing but pleasing her, in every possible way. It's almost like a feeling of duty. It takes hold of me, and turns the simple kindness of opening a door for her into a ritual of reverence. In SM jargon, that makes me a service sub.

So if you run into us at Gomorrah in the future, chances are I'll be wearing the collar, and she'll be holding the leash. Not that I'm complaining or anything...
posted 11:00 PM | link |