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Friday, June 15
I don't
Five years ago today, I stood in the Princeton Presbyterian Church next to the woman who was soon to be my wife, and made a vow. It was a great wedding. We had perfect weather and everything was beautiful. How could it not be? My fiancee had spent a year getting everything ready, getting all the arrangements just perfect. What girl doesn't dream about what her wedding will be like, all her life? On this day, five years ago, for a moment in time, a dream came true. It really can happen. And we savored it, enjoyed it, and basked in the delight. What a wonderful moment it was. It wasn't a mistake. For all the pain and loss now, we had many happy years, both before and after the wedding. Some things, unfortunately, aren't meant to last. Not that we didn't go out without a struggle. I'm not a quitter, and I don't walk away from things lightly. And mostly, I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to fail this woman who had done nothing but love me with all her heart. I think of people who, in between relationships, talk of being afraid to love again. "I don't know if I can risk the pain of having someone break my heart again." I don't fear that kind of pain. The thing I dread is the pain of breaking another's heart. I can deal with my own suffering; it's pretty familiar territory. It's the suffering of people I care about that cuts me up, especially when I'm the cause. It's been almost a year that my wife and I have been separated. We're expecting the divorce agreement to be drawn up in a few weeks, and from that, it's just a matter of days to make it final. Still, the guilt burns inside me like I drank acid. I want so much for my ex-wife to find happiness, to find love again, to have the kind of family she dreams about. I feel so culpable for her misery, and so helpless to do anything about it. Sometimes it is hard to enjoy the new love in my life without feeling guilty. I don't deserve happiness. Not yet. I haven't earned it. I want my ex-wife to be happy first. Suffering comes easily to me, but not to her. People will tell me that I'm not responsible for my ex-wife's happiness, and I know, in a sense, they are right. No one is ever really responsible for anyone's happiness but the their own. But I am responsible for something. I did propose to the woman, and I did leave her in the end. I can't fix this situation. I just have to wait, and let time heal the wounds. Some days are just harder than others. '; } else { if(stristr($filename,"archive")) { $dir=$_SERVER['DOCUMENT_ROOT']; $template='_01_archive.html'; $tail=strlen($template); $thisArchive=$filename; //$files=scandir($dir); $dh = opendir($dir); while (false !== ($filename = readdir($dh))) { $files[] = $filename; } sort($files); $earlyarch=""; $laterarch=""; $prevarch=""; $next=0; foreach($files as $file) { if (substr($file,-$tail)==$template) { if ($next==1) { $laterarch=$file; $earlyarch=$prevarch; $next=0; } if ($file==$thisArchive) { $next=1; } else { $prevarch=$file; $earlyarch=$prevarch; } } } $link=''; $divider=''; if(file_exists($earlyarch)) { $link='< Earlier Archive'; $divider=" | "; } if(file_exists($laterarch)) { $link=$link.$divider.'Later Archive >'; } $link=$link.' '; } } echo($link); ?> |